Vacation is Over - Back to Reality

I just had time off work as the summer winds down. It was nice to be in vacation mode and visit with extended family. The growing feeling of content that I didn't have to go to work is a little disconcerting. The only time I woke to an alarm was on Sunday to get ready for church. The rest of the week was very casual, just planning what to do during the morning. No structure. No deadlines. No commitments. A big part of my depression was feeling like few things had any importance or meaning. Work was pointless since I had no obvious positive effect on the community or anyone else; I just showed up and did what I needed to get through the day. Where I worked really contributed to this because deadlines were really just guidelines and nobody was ever accountable for anything. It became an enabler as I suffered more and more with depression.

The Church teaches that industry is good - meaning supporting your family and practicing a strong work ethic. The Tabernacle at Temple Square podium has a beehive prominently carved on the front to symbolize the industry we should be engaged in: busy bees are happy bees. I haven't always felt that work was pointless. I wanted to do the best that I could. I wanted to make my workplace better, both in terms of productivity but also the work environment and relationships.

President Brigham Young provided numerous examples of work and personal industry:

“They who secure eternal life are doers of the word as well as hearers.”

“Every minute of every day of our lives we should strive to improve our minds and to increase the faith of the holy Gospel, in charity, patience, and good works, that we may grow in the knowledge of the truth as it is spoken and prophesied of and written about.”

“It is our duty to be active and diligent in doing everything we can to sustain ourselves, to build up His Kingdom... and to sanctify and prepare ourselves to dwell in His presence.”

(Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, Chapter 31: “Thrift, Industry, and Self-Reliance,” 225.)

There were so many days that I wanted to stay in bed and not go to work; I just couldn't take it. That is a common symptom of severe depression. One thing made me go to work: the gospel principle of industry. As bleak as I felt and regardless of how unproductive I was, I believed in going to work. It also helped me rationalize that I wasn't broken since I didn't give up and stay in bed. I didn't know why I was so depressed but since I could force myself to go to work I felt like I would be able to "get through it." (I'll have to write on how I fooled myself later because it hurt me more than it helped.)

That's a bit of the history - now I'm back to work (a new job, btw) and the structure is much better for me. As much as I was enjoying the vacation, I could feel that slipping feeling gravitate toward depression. It was refreshing going back to work. President Heber J. Grant said “The aim of the Church is to help the people to help themselves. Work is to be re-enthroned as the ruling principle of the lives of our Church membership.” (Conference Report, Oct. 1936, 3.)

Laugh at your Problems

This reminded me of when I tried scheduling my first appointment. I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't get immediate help but I had to wait at least a week to get an appointment. It's funny now. It could be a good sign that your doctor is busy - the good ones have high appointment rates while the bad ones are watching tv in the waiting area.

Anyway... be able to laugh occasionally at your problems. When I checked out a depression workbook from the public library, none of the worksheets had been used or written on. I said to my wife, "Looks like the previous owner dropped out; hope I don't, too!" and let out a crass, cackling laugh. Her response was "You're rude!"

Make The Atonement Part Of Your Recovery

This will probably be repeated in many of my postings so people don’t get the wrong impression: the topics and help suggested here are for people trying to, or have the ability to, cope with and manage their depression. There are many cases where a person may be beyond help due to serious physical limitations or other medical conditions that make it extremely difficult to manage this illness. I don’t claim to have all the answers, just suggestions that have helped me.

The Lord wants us to overcome the trials of life. That’s part of the plan of salvation. There are countless trials people encounter; depression is one of those trials. The Lord has given us tools and opportunities to change for the better. Think of all the advances made in the field of medicine. A hundred years ago, people severely depressed were institutionalized with “melancholy” and basically locked up, forgotten. Now there is help in the form of medical knowledge of the brain and the body’s systems, counseling and medication.

Taking the LDS perspective, another important tool is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Many consider the Atonement only deals with our sins but they don’t take into account how much it does for our feelings; whether the feelings are pride, jealousy, bitterness, disappointment, offense, etc. In the April 2006 General Conference, Elder Jeffrey R Holland gave a masterful talk about the Atonement healing our wounded hearts titled “Broken Things to Mend.” I know he didn’t give the talk just for me, but it came when I was at my all-time low. I was in bad shape and didn’t think there was anywhere to go but down. I really felt as if there was no point in continuing. I tried to rationalize that I knew the gospel and had learned everything I needed and since I felt so badly, I would be better off moving out of this life. Then the despair would be gone. (Over a year later, it’s literally painful just to remember how I was.)

Elder Holland began by saying:

“I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.” (“Broken Things to Mend,” Ensign, May 2006, 69.)

That was me. I felt beyond repair. There was no explanation why I felt that way. Nobody knew how I felt, not even my wife. I had been withdrawing into myself for months. But Elder Holland’s talk started me thinking a bit. Paraphrasing the Savior Elder Holland continued:

“If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness,” He promises. “I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.” (ibid, 69.)

Rest for my soul? Was there such a thing? I rationally knew there was but didn’t feel like it was possible. I decided to tell my wife what was going on inside. As great a relationship we have, it was hard. It was admitting defeat. I had known for years that my depression was real but keeping it inside felt safe. Telling her about it was like revealing my biggest flaw after more than a decade of marriage. The fear that she would think I was a fraud and a liar made it even harder. My mind had all these scenarios that would end in disaster. How did she react? It was a relief to her. She said “this explains so much.” She was great. She has always been great. I am very blessed to have her. She talked me into going to our doctor and talk about my options. For about thirty years I thought I could handle it alone. It was so much better having someone in on “the secret.” She has helped me so much.

My final take for today is first, let someone help support you emotional healing. Second, make the Atonement part of your recovery. The Savior will help us if we ask Him. If you want further proof, read the entire talk by Elder Holland’s which also includes these quotes:

I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair. (ibid, 70.)

Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. (ibid, 71.)

Rules of Engagement

I plan on allowing comments to all my posts and want to set up some guidelines. Since the intent of this blog is to give support for those dealing with depression, comments shouldn’t belittle or degrade others. We’ve all got enough problems without having some anonymous idiot taking pot shots. I will delete comments that are offensive. Further, since religion is going to be part of the focus in my posts, comments that attack, defame or belittle any religion or person’s religious beliefs will be deleted.

Feel free to keep your privacy. You don’t have to reveal who you are. It’s your decision.

I’m not a doctor and I don’t play one on TV. I can’t diagnose your problems. This blog is for support, not diagnosis. I’m not going to say “if you feel this way, you need to do this: …” Don’t post comments with a diagnosis for other commentators or myself - even if you are a doctor, but especially if you play one on TV. (However, if you are a doctor or counselor, send me an email and let's collaborate here.) I probably won’t delete the comments but reserve the right to do so. You owe it to yourself to get a diagnosis from a real doctor you can trust.

I've dealt with depression for as long as I live. Sure, everyone gets the blues. Some get depressed because of life experiences. We know that's all part of life. My feelings didn't start because of one event and never went away - they just lessened.

Maybe it's a chemical imbalance? I've been on medication for over a year. That has helped but it didn't erase the sense of hopelessness. (Post on medication later...) Maybe it's all in my head? I actually have a great life that many have said they envy. But there's no way I see myself as someone to idolize. I saw a therapist for six months which helped a lot. (Post on therapy later, too...)

How are things now? Really good.

Part of the reason for this blog is to work through stuff by writing it down. The hope is that others can tell me what has worked for them. At the same time, I have been able to help three other people who were at least as bad off as my lowest point. Maybe that's one of the reason I have this plague - to help others? Crazy, I know.